I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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