she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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