I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
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He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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