i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
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I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
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i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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