Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
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I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
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Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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