Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
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Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
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I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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