rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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