it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
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so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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