he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
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I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
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I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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