I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
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Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
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In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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