according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you inspire me to be a worse person
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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