If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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