Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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