Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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