I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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