I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I need a beard to bite.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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