last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
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You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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