May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
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i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
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We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize