i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
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i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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