There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
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Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
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Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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