Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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