smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
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You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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