Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
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Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
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Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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