she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
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Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
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haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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