Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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