As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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