Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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