I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
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he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
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Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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