in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
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I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
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All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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