so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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