Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
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Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
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I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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