I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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