these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
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If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
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Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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