I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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