She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
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she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
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I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
How naked do you want me to be?
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