I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
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He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
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That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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