apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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