Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
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No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
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I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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