you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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