You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize