remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize