It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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