Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
