Someone shit on the floor
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
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Just invented taco cereal.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
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I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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