she woke up with a sticky ear
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
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So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
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I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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