My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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