Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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