Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
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You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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