Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize