Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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